Lost
by violet-phoenix-rose
Summary: For the Suicide challenge. R/T. Rating due to subject matter. Love is most bittersweet when realized too late...


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: for the Suicide challenge. Unnamed-but-obvious pairing and victim...

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Gone. She was gone, and in a way more permanent than anything else he knew. He refused to fully accept that she was dead, that she'd killed herself just days ago. It was so unlike her, so far from the happy, _alive_ person he'd known her as. Yes, she'd changed, become a bit depressed, but he didn't think she would even consider ending her life, let alone actually do it. It was so strange that she'd made that choice, and he knew he would have to live with it - there was no undoing it, at any rate.

He went to her funeral for reasons he didn't even fully grasp, reasons that involved feelings he'd sworn long ago that he would never feel. Was this what he got, after years of being detached? Was it fitting that the first person who'd tried to break through his shell in a long time would think she'd failed and then choose death over life without him? Was it even possible that she hadn't understood what had really happened, that he was just trying to protect her? His mind wandered to the last time he'd seen her, the day before her death, and everything was clearer.

---

"You'll never understand!" she yelled, almost sobbing. That was how much she believed what she was saying, and if only she'd known how wrong she was.

"Please, listen to me," he said, placing one hand on her shoulder, trying to stop her and knowing he'd get nowhere. "You're the one who doesn't understand." It was true - if she only knew how many fights he'd had with himself because of her, things would be different. He hadn't come to terms with his feelings, but she didn't even know he had them!

"Just stop! I can't listen to you." Angrily, she moved out of his reach, her hair turning a magnificent shade of fire-engine red. "You're better off without me, or at least that's what you think, and nothing I do will ever change that."

Oh, how he wished he could've just told her then and there that what she was saying couldn't have been farther from reality. But he hadn't said anything of the sort - instead, he'd just let her storm off. That had been the final mistake, and he knew it. Time after time, he hadn't spoken when he should have, but never before had it ended so tragically.

---

The feeling of a piece of paper being placed in his hand removed him from his remembering. By the time his eyes made it to the folded letter, which had his name written on it in a handwriting that he just knew was hers, whomever had given it to him was out of view, back to wherever they had come from. He just wondered why a letter to him would've been found in her belongings, and for the first time in a long time, curiosity got the better of him. As he unfolded the letter and began to read it, he understood everything...

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_I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in a pool of hopelessness... and I fear I'll never be able to get out. It's a strange feeling, this one, and it's replaced everything - even the love I have for you. That's why I've done this, you see - l know you'll never think of me the way I thought of you, and I can't live with that reality. I thought that I was stronger than this, that I could move on, but the truth is that I could never put this behind me._

_I know you're wondering why I couldn't just tell you all of this, why I couldn't say it face-to-face, why I couldn't ask you to pull me out of this despair. I fear I've already asked it of you too many times - I'm beyond help or healing now. I see it, and so do you. I know you do, because I saw it when I looked at you for a brief second last night - your eyes seemed to say what you never could, that I wasn't good enough for you never would be good enough for you. I... I just hope that I've made the right choice. I'm sorry, but it has to be this way. Goodbye._

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For the first time in a long time, he felt so many strange emotions when he finished reading the letter. He felt remorse - because, in a way, he was resposible for her death. He felt wonder - what if she had been brave enough to say some of that to him, instead of writing it down in one final revelation. Most of all, more than anything else, he felt sadness - he had lost someone he had loved, someone who hadn't known he loved her. It had been too much for her - but what if life without her was too much for him? She was lost, and he was alone.


End file.
